My days are getting wilder and wilder. As I move away from the six months of pain, planning, and receiving help, I move into the "new" life I have talked about having for those months...
My pain is gone, yet I am still under Dr Dorai's orders concerning work and lifting and so on. My bank account is gone, and it is beyond time to start looking for income sources. I spent much of tonight doing just that, along with setting up a new client's web account and sorting through some rather serious issues within my Homeschool Community. As I sent out emails to friends that can assist and offer leads to money making possibilities, and sorted through remarks and ideas from my fellow co-op members, I realized that this is truly my time to shine. I am truly on a path unpaved, as I keep pointing out. There simply ARE no books or websites about "how to be a single homeschooling income earning business running mom of four". For the sake of others, I hope there isn't much need for one:) I will surely start one if I think that there are more like me:)
My prospects paid off, I have a new web client, and I have some office work lined up to begin in the morning. I have no idea how that will work out, there is underlying "stuff" with the person who offered it up.
I have realized that I am capable of doing ANYTHING I set out to do, if I am patient and diligent. I view this as a quest. I am on a DAMN QUEST! I cannot fail, or give up. After the homeschool community I created four years ago, which has dragged my through more trials and mud then anyone could ever imagine, I realize that I am persistent and enduring, if nothing else. I also realized that I cannot ever say I can't do something...WON'T do something, sure, but never CAN'T!
People have told me that I am a source of inspiration. I don't know where that comes from. Certainly NOT my parents. I am made up of things that have no foundation from my upbringing, it all seems to come, truly, from ME. As I consider myself "spiritual" and not of basic religion, I cannot place the source of power and upward movement with something bigger then myself. It draws from ME. Somewhere deep within ME. Perhaps I shifted a lack of self esteem into a straight all out DRIVE to simply BE!!!!! BE Alive, BE full of energy, BE what I can BE, BE for all, BE for my kids, BE!!! Blessed Blessed "BE":)
I start office work in the AM, and should go to bed and wake up early with a fresh mind. We also have seven doctors appointments this week, including one with my Neurosurgeon. I also need to go to court for final divorce stuff. Yuck...Nuff said...
This week basically starts the beginning of my "new life" as I start to work, support myself, and gather what I need to run both my web business and my currently restructuring Homeschool Group. I have a large sum of money coming to me soon, from the surplus of our foreclosed upon house. That will bring about many changes, like moving-again-and starting back to college...Oh yes, this life has barely begin:)
I guess sleep is a requirement for all this, huh?
I am off!
BE, all you are meant to BE,
Sami
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Summer Solstice, A New Beginning after 6 Months of Hell???
I haven't written here since WAY back in December. It's now wonder, considered what I have been through-what we ALL-my kids and I, along with many others , have been through.
I am not longer a "Crazed Homeschooling Mom of Four"...I am a BEYOND Crazed SINGLE Homeschooling Mom of Four! I am OK, they are, for the most part, OK...It's a very, very, very, long story full of surprised and shock and despair, but also full of incredible help, hero's, growth and survival. I will elaborate in great detail within this series of Blogs in upcoming days and weeks, I am sure.
For some insane reason, I am up at 6am, which NEVER happens. It is a holiday, "Litha", "Summer Solstice", first day of Summer, longest day of the year...One of my favorite days of the year...Perhaps that is why I am up with the early Sun:) Perhaps it all the meds I am on simply wearing off after the very late night dosages, perhaps I just want to enjoy the RARE quiet of my sleeping, silent house while I can:)
My meds???? Jeez, that is the LEAST of my 6 month journey...the climax in the path, the finale....I had two disks removed from my lower neck last Thursday-after 6 months of incredibly debilitating pain. If, by chance, you are reading this, and are putting off such surgery (procedure, they call it), I highly recommend having it done-it was NO big deal-and I have never even had stitches before:) The IV part was the only bad thing. The recovery was painless, I came home 24 hours later and I have not even needed the pain meds-I am taking medications they gave me to simply keep myself CALM. I feel so great, I just want to run and jump, and clean the house:) I haven't had a TWINGE of ache or pain. Modern medicine is simply amazing-not something I tout very often, being quite the naturalist, but I am truly impressed.
The last six months have been quite a journey. If anyone had told me at Christmas that my life would be completely turned upside down with six weeks, I would have laughed. I knew that my marriage was a sham, I knew that my husband was a liar and a sneak and incapable of handling ONE adult responsibility without tears, and I knew that he had no control of our finances at all, and was keeping the secrets from me to keep peace-in his own mind, anyway. I pretty much just resigned myself to being completely lonely, ignorred and controled financially in order to give my children a stay at home mom and a private school status home education. Simply put, I was being completely unselfish in the fact that I was dead inside and married to someone who just TOOK and TOOK and TOOK, and still cried constantly about what he "didn't get" which was things like "party-ing in the woods drinking beer with highschoolers on Christmas morning" and my not being turned on by the 120 pounds he gained in our 8 year marriage...While, I might add, I maintained a perfect size 2 figure through 4 children. (even post 7 years eating disorders) He was selfish and abusive and down right mean and lazy.
I put up with it. I was made to sit in a chair all weekend while he was home, dozing in front of the TV, waiting for him to wake up and "know I was there". I couldn't go have a hobby, a friend, a phonecall-couldn't do web design, run a business...just sit there and wait for him to wake up and see if I was around. My life and dreams became only for my kids and everything I did was for them, through them...
I could have put up with it awhile longer...I guess. Even whenI found out that for the 11th time in 6 years we were more then 5 months behind in the mortgage, and no one could see a dentist, and my teeth rotted out from the pregnancies and lack of dental cash. He made good money,but I had no access to it, and if I signed a check, well, I almost got arrested for bouncing checks...My dad, his grandma, all bailed us out. he went right back into his usial attitude. cranky, mean, unattached.
Still could have put up with it, even though I got a notice of foreclosure on January 31st 2006. he hadn't paid the mortgage in ten months, and there had also been no groceries, etc-still have no idea where all that cash went. The notice came as I was lying in bed on ice, with a ruptured disk. The kids answered the door and got the news first. They are all younger them 11.
I still thought I could deal, though I asked him to leave so I could think...
On February 7th, my kids informed me that they had been abused. It was over-that was IT. We left the house immediately and went to a safehouse shelter. Our lives could not have changed more. I was such a clean freak that we could never even stay in a hotel (as if we could afford to), and here I was in the "home" for battered and abused women and children. The call I made to Social Serives that day,a nd the call providing the "plans" for our secret escape from our lives was the most unbelievable thing I have ever gone through. The Safehouse didn't even have a room for us-we ended up on the sleep out sofa in the home library. Three on the bed, two basically under it. I was in so much pain, and the house counselors had to keep my meds for fear of addiction. I couldn;t even make a phone call, and no one knew where we were. That was the worse night of my life. I didn;t think I could follow the house rules-they treated US like abusers and children. I couldn't understand how I could possibly begin to get my life in order with all these rules keeping me under "house arrest" basically. I didn;t sleep that night, so sick witht he stories my children had told me, and so angry at my husband for what he had done behind my back. The guilt of leaving my kids with him for just a FEW times in recent years was too much. Now I KNEW why the kids cried and clung to me on the rare ocassion that I needed to leave the home without them, and I eventually stopped leaving. I didn't sleep that night, but instead laid in on the smelly mattress next to my sleeping four year old, and my over guilt ridden (for telling) and anxious 10 year old daughter. She didn't sleep either, We talked and cried all night. I didn't know WHAT I was going to do the next day.
That question was answered rather quickly the next morning at 8am. I left the room to shower (everyone dressed and fed by 9am) and saw a giant white board with the daily news on it. It said that the whole house had Strep, and everyone needed to report to the local emergency room. You never saw a woman and four kids move so fast in your life. We were out in less then 45 minutes, van packed and headed towards???????? I ended up at an aquaintances home. I knew her from my homeschool co-op, but just barely. I knew she had a HUGE home, and an even bigger heart. Karma was with me that day-I asked her if we could move into her empty basement, and she said yes. We moved in. The basement was finished and had beds and a sofa and a futon...and a bathroom and storage space. It was bigger then most apartments. The family homeschooled, and has four small girls that I adored:) They were a real family, with parents that got along, and dad that was plugged in and took good care of his family like a man. My kids didn't know what to think of him-the four and six year olds asked if Mr Joe could be their dad.
We stayed their for 5 weeks. It was a LONG five weeks, and I was full of pain, somedays not even able to cope. I couldn't work, and I had left the house with 40 dollars. As soon as my husband knew I had left, he closed the bank accounts and took all the money. I saw 250 dollars from him in the next four months. If it hadn't been for my family, my church and my co-op, we would have been living in our van and eating from food pantries-which we had done the night before. The court battles started, and my pain grew, my arm would go numb for days, I had no use of my right arm or hand. It was insane. I began to realize how many people cared for me-they literally came from NOWHERE, people that I had never spoken to at church were giving money to the minister for me and the kids. Boxes of food, coats, toys, all started showing up. I had never dreamed it would be me on the receiving end of this type of behavior.
The next few months were UNBELIEVABLE, but I lived, and will write more about this again....For now, I want to post this:) I have some research to do for my new business...Yes, my new business:) More later:)
Life goes on, and Good Karma DOES work!!! I am living proof:)
~Sami
I am not longer a "Crazed Homeschooling Mom of Four"...I am a BEYOND Crazed SINGLE Homeschooling Mom of Four! I am OK, they are, for the most part, OK...It's a very, very, very, long story full of surprised and shock and despair, but also full of incredible help, hero's, growth and survival. I will elaborate in great detail within this series of Blogs in upcoming days and weeks, I am sure.
For some insane reason, I am up at 6am, which NEVER happens. It is a holiday, "Litha", "Summer Solstice", first day of Summer, longest day of the year...One of my favorite days of the year...Perhaps that is why I am up with the early Sun:) Perhaps it all the meds I am on simply wearing off after the very late night dosages, perhaps I just want to enjoy the RARE quiet of my sleeping, silent house while I can:)
My meds???? Jeez, that is the LEAST of my 6 month journey...the climax in the path, the finale....I had two disks removed from my lower neck last Thursday-after 6 months of incredibly debilitating pain. If, by chance, you are reading this, and are putting off such surgery (procedure, they call it), I highly recommend having it done-it was NO big deal-and I have never even had stitches before:) The IV part was the only bad thing. The recovery was painless, I came home 24 hours later and I have not even needed the pain meds-I am taking medications they gave me to simply keep myself CALM. I feel so great, I just want to run and jump, and clean the house:) I haven't had a TWINGE of ache or pain. Modern medicine is simply amazing-not something I tout very often, being quite the naturalist, but I am truly impressed.
The last six months have been quite a journey. If anyone had told me at Christmas that my life would be completely turned upside down with six weeks, I would have laughed. I knew that my marriage was a sham, I knew that my husband was a liar and a sneak and incapable of handling ONE adult responsibility without tears, and I knew that he had no control of our finances at all, and was keeping the secrets from me to keep peace-in his own mind, anyway. I pretty much just resigned myself to being completely lonely, ignorred and controled financially in order to give my children a stay at home mom and a private school status home education. Simply put, I was being completely unselfish in the fact that I was dead inside and married to someone who just TOOK and TOOK and TOOK, and still cried constantly about what he "didn't get" which was things like "party-ing in the woods drinking beer with highschoolers on Christmas morning" and my not being turned on by the 120 pounds he gained in our 8 year marriage...While, I might add, I maintained a perfect size 2 figure through 4 children. (even post 7 years eating disorders) He was selfish and abusive and down right mean and lazy.
I put up with it. I was made to sit in a chair all weekend while he was home, dozing in front of the TV, waiting for him to wake up and "know I was there". I couldn't go have a hobby, a friend, a phonecall-couldn't do web design, run a business...just sit there and wait for him to wake up and see if I was around. My life and dreams became only for my kids and everything I did was for them, through them...
I could have put up with it awhile longer...I guess. Even whenI found out that for the 11th time in 6 years we were more then 5 months behind in the mortgage, and no one could see a dentist, and my teeth rotted out from the pregnancies and lack of dental cash. He made good money,but I had no access to it, and if I signed a check, well, I almost got arrested for bouncing checks...My dad, his grandma, all bailed us out. he went right back into his usial attitude. cranky, mean, unattached.
Still could have put up with it, even though I got a notice of foreclosure on January 31st 2006. he hadn't paid the mortgage in ten months, and there had also been no groceries, etc-still have no idea where all that cash went. The notice came as I was lying in bed on ice, with a ruptured disk. The kids answered the door and got the news first. They are all younger them 11.
I still thought I could deal, though I asked him to leave so I could think...
On February 7th, my kids informed me that they had been abused. It was over-that was IT. We left the house immediately and went to a safehouse shelter. Our lives could not have changed more. I was such a clean freak that we could never even stay in a hotel (as if we could afford to), and here I was in the "home" for battered and abused women and children. The call I made to Social Serives that day,a nd the call providing the "plans" for our secret escape from our lives was the most unbelievable thing I have ever gone through. The Safehouse didn't even have a room for us-we ended up on the sleep out sofa in the home library. Three on the bed, two basically under it. I was in so much pain, and the house counselors had to keep my meds for fear of addiction. I couldn;t even make a phone call, and no one knew where we were. That was the worse night of my life. I didn;t think I could follow the house rules-they treated US like abusers and children. I couldn't understand how I could possibly begin to get my life in order with all these rules keeping me under "house arrest" basically. I didn;t sleep that night, so sick witht he stories my children had told me, and so angry at my husband for what he had done behind my back. The guilt of leaving my kids with him for just a FEW times in recent years was too much. Now I KNEW why the kids cried and clung to me on the rare ocassion that I needed to leave the home without them, and I eventually stopped leaving. I didn't sleep that night, but instead laid in on the smelly mattress next to my sleeping four year old, and my over guilt ridden (for telling) and anxious 10 year old daughter. She didn't sleep either, We talked and cried all night. I didn't know WHAT I was going to do the next day.
That question was answered rather quickly the next morning at 8am. I left the room to shower (everyone dressed and fed by 9am) and saw a giant white board with the daily news on it. It said that the whole house had Strep, and everyone needed to report to the local emergency room. You never saw a woman and four kids move so fast in your life. We were out in less then 45 minutes, van packed and headed towards???????? I ended up at an aquaintances home. I knew her from my homeschool co-op, but just barely. I knew she had a HUGE home, and an even bigger heart. Karma was with me that day-I asked her if we could move into her empty basement, and she said yes. We moved in. The basement was finished and had beds and a sofa and a futon...and a bathroom and storage space. It was bigger then most apartments. The family homeschooled, and has four small girls that I adored:) They were a real family, with parents that got along, and dad that was plugged in and took good care of his family like a man. My kids didn't know what to think of him-the four and six year olds asked if Mr Joe could be their dad.
We stayed their for 5 weeks. It was a LONG five weeks, and I was full of pain, somedays not even able to cope. I couldn't work, and I had left the house with 40 dollars. As soon as my husband knew I had left, he closed the bank accounts and took all the money. I saw 250 dollars from him in the next four months. If it hadn't been for my family, my church and my co-op, we would have been living in our van and eating from food pantries-which we had done the night before. The court battles started, and my pain grew, my arm would go numb for days, I had no use of my right arm or hand. It was insane. I began to realize how many people cared for me-they literally came from NOWHERE, people that I had never spoken to at church were giving money to the minister for me and the kids. Boxes of food, coats, toys, all started showing up. I had never dreamed it would be me on the receiving end of this type of behavior.
The next few months were UNBELIEVABLE, but I lived, and will write more about this again....For now, I want to post this:) I have some research to do for my new business...Yes, my new business:) More later:)
Life goes on, and Good Karma DOES work!!! I am living proof:)
~Sami
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