Life kind of Sucks...

Wow...What a week. The guy who I was so PROUD to have become my general manager at work got fired...My rare pure white, very sweet and gentle parakeet, Indy, was killed during rough play with my son-this is a HUGE deal right now....And, well, I am simply in a funk. The weather is cool and dreary, the seasons are changing in the gray, cold bare way, and things are just not as bright as I would hope for.
My issue listed on the blog before this one seems to have faded into the woodwork. I have had no other issue, but jeez, that was enough drama for a year...
I am just plugging away, working as much as possible, teaching the kids, trying to look ahead...I need a goal...My life is gray and dull because I have no real goals at the moment...
hmmmm....

this is sad...

ok..here's the deal...I have been threatened...This is my really sad attempt to make document of the fact just in case. I am frightened. My kids are frightened. In case anything happens, this blog is accessible by my computer browser toolbar....
I was sexually harassed at work. It happened last summer, and the guy was fired-not for that, but for showing up at work drunk. They hired him back because he was in trouble with the law, in jail, and needed to a job to stay out of jail and on probation. They did him a favor even though they knew it was a problem. I told them that I would not tolerate any bad behavior and would report it immediately.
He spoke horribly about me behind my back on Sunday afternoon-so horribly, in fact, that those privy to the words will not repeat them. Those that heard what he said were shocked and disgusted and embarrassed. He was fired on Tuesday. He is irrational and he scares me and I have seen him angry....After being fired, his "girlfriend" called the store and basically threatened me and the manager, and then I got a threatening email. I am alone, here with four kids who have always gotten "creeps" and bad vibes from him, and we are all scared to death. The police have been notified. They said they can't really do anything. The promised to patrol the street-we are a block from the dept....I have yet to see a car and I have been watching...Edmund is a drunk and a loser with nothing to lose...And he stands a chance at returning to jail at this point. He thinks, because he is a drunk and loser, that this is MY fault.
I need to make note of this...In case...This is so sad...I just want to raise my kids and be a mom...
October 4th, 1:11am.....Sami

Heat, Chinese Food, Homeschooling and etc...

We are back from the beach-a full five days of temperatures of 105+, and 97% humidity!!! It was fun though, the kids got to spend time with their grandparents, and also got to swim A LOT!:) They spent most days at the community pool at my folks place, and on Wednesday we ventured into the insane heat with a trip to the ocean. The heat index on the shores of Fenwick Island State Park was 115!!!! My children and I are not much on sunbathing-my legs have not seen the sun in probably 8 years-and although we slathered on serious sunblock, we all got too much sun. I was under two umbrellas, with a shirt over my legs, and I still got crisp on my legs. My daughter and middle son look like lobster faces and are already peeling. It was FUN though:)
Vacations always bring out the kid in me. Last year, two months after major surgery on my neck, I decided to play tag at the lazy river in our hotel in Va Beach. My insane competitive edge kicked in as my oldest son, Jordan, almost caught up with me. I looked up and saw a small hole cut into the giant rock formation in the center of the circular river, and in one movement, jumped up and THROUGH it!!!! It was only about a foot wide and high, and I took all the skin off of my thighs!!! Then, in effort to get away from my daughter, Skye, I dove into the water and pounded my head onto a rock wall....It was fun though....Memorable to say the least.
This vacation had us visiting one of my favorite places on earth-Ocean City Maryland. There are rides there that I have gotten on since I was 10 years old-so that's.....31 years ago!!!!!!!! Yikes!!!!:) My favorite ride, The Himalaya, plays loud music and loops you round and round while the operator yells "Do you wanna go reeeeeaaaal fast????" and everyone screams....Amazing how the operator has sounded exactly the same for over 30 years!!! I got on with my two oldest kids a few times, screamed like a 12 year old and had a BLAST:) Nothing makes you feel young like screaming on a ride:) I also got into the ocean, which I haven't done in years. I was way out, over my head to avoid getting pelted by the gravel in the breaking waves. I talked my daughter into joining me, then we decided to try to ride in on a wave...We got TRAMPLED, tristed, turned over and thrown onto the beach!!! I was lying in the sand in my bikini creaming for my eight year old to help me up out of the pit of sand that surrounded me when I got hit again and again by gravel filled waves! I was yelling and laughing so hard I couldn't get up and ended up with about three pounds of sand in my suit. That was IT for me, and I spent the rest of the day trying to get sand out of my ears.
The kids did math the whole time we were there. My mom watched as I wrangled kids in and out of the shower and into clean clothes, sitting them down in various parts of her house with their Singapore math workbooks. My daughter threw her daily math fit, acting helpless, while I ran back and forth between showers, bathrooms, and mathbooks, and just shook her head at my patience. "They would have been in school YESTERDAY" she said over and over. I just laughed and continued my running back and forth.
We have been working on Math all summer, with the older two also working on vocabulary while the younger two continuing with phonics and reading. It is making me nuts though, just trying to get those few subjects done each day-the neighborhood kids are outside riding MY kids bkes and skateboards up and down our driveway and pounding on the door every 10 minutes. I cannot WAIT for public school to start back up...Of course, we may very well take off the month of September:) I need a few weeks of peace to get my head-and lessonplans-together.
I am working doubles all weekend...Gotta run:)

Have to Write....

It's 2:33 am and I decided that I HAVE to write, no matter the time. I think about writing all the time, but then I always get into something else....!
Basically, lots is going on...I had some big windows close, but as a great friend pointed out, some pretty big ones were sure to open...And they did, and are, and will;) Things change so fast...It's amazing, how fast. Things that were so important to me a month ago are simply mere memories-life just moves that fast-there is almost no time for reflection!!!
We head to the beach on Monday, after a weekend with David visiting. The kids are so excited about BOTH prospects:) They are NUTS NUTS NUTS about David, and really can't wait to go to the beach, and to see their grandparents, who we rarely see. It will feel AWESOME to reconnect with the power of the Sea-I need her energies!!! I am looking forward to it, even thought we ARE taking school books:)
After that, I have to work on a new account that I have suddenly had land in my lap. I have to think about restarting my small-very small-biz....And, I have decided to continue college in the Spring, taking classes in web graphics and design, hoping to pull together and upgrade my self taught skills:)
I am excited about a brand new homeschool year, a brand new year at UUFHC-where I will be teaching K-1:), I am excited about new changes at work, and changes to be made to our home, and our new curricum...(I am a self proclaimed curriculum queen) I am just excited...And, to top it off, DAVID is coming up today!!!!
Which is why I need to go to bed!!! NOW!

I am Not Afraid...

I am not afraid anymore. There was a time in my life when fear ruled my days and kept me awake at night. I imagined horrible things happening, I had all our panic attacks. I kept my children close, hardly allowing them from my sight, never letting them go off in other's cars, trusting no one. The fears lasted almost 10 years, with two years being unbarible. My doctor said it was postpartum that time. I lived in control of my life, fearing things from outside, afraid, even, to be alone.
I have faced some incredible things in my life, and though I always considered myself "a mess" during those times, others found me to be an inspiratonal "woman of steel". No real inspiration from me, I mean, you have to wake up each day, right? That's all I did: woke up and went about each day.
I realized tonight, I am not afraid. At all. I am careful, I am smart, but I am not afraid. I sleep at night, here alone, in the house with four kids, and I am not freaked out. I have no one really close to lean on or go to, but I am ok and have created my own "family" of support. I trust many with my kids because I HAVE to-they are getting independant and involved in life, and the single parent thing really forces it on me. I am ok though. My kids have met some GREAT people:)I am not afraid.

LOL, So Much for Writing:)

Wow! It's been almost two months since I have blogged-I got an email today to tell me so:) I have also been encouraged to add some links to the curricula I am currently obsessed with:)
Life is just fine here. More good days then bad, the sun is showing its face more and more, the days are warming nicely and I am starting to thaw out:)Come on Summer!!!!

Tired, But Accomplished!

I am exhausted. I am literally too tired to TALK which is rare. I think everyone is wondering if something is wrong...;)
Nothing is wrong; In fact, it's quite the opposite. I have spent many recent days organizing my calendars, updating records on my computer, getting curricula completed for the year, and going through stacks of mail. I had my entire life lying around on slips of paper, tucked away in notebooks or blank calendars, or worse, simply fleeting thoughts between my ears;) The job was long and tedious, but I finally got it done and now I don't know what to do with my need to procrastinate;)
It took every spec of my brain-especially my American History program, which has been in the works since October. I very much wanted a literature intense history curriculum, and I literally fell right into the perfect framework of a book series last week. We will be using the various series within Dear America to lead us in our studies, starting with journals from the Mayflower and Jamestown. I have stumbled onto a ton of great titles, as well as helped create a monthly History Book club, so I am feeling QUITE smug with myself:)
So, we start back into history with a vengeance:) I need to get my rest-much reading ahead, as I have two younger ones that need to be read to!!!
Besides that, I am not feeing motivated to do much else...It is COLD here, like, 9 degrees, and I am so miserable wearing all the stuffy clothes and being an ice cube anyway.....I haven't worked out either-it's just TOO COLD! I just want to get under the covers and hibernate til May!!!
I am off....Stay warm!

This is How We Do it~

I worked tonight. I am a server at a local restaurant and I really love it;) It's a fun place, the guests are mostly families with kids, and my co-workers are a great bunch of people. I laugh A LOT when I am at work. After being a SAHM for 11 years, having a place to go where I am just "Sami" and not "someones mom" is actually quite nice;) I love being there and talking about my kids. People are always shocked to find that I am forty, for starters, and that I even have kids. Then thay are shocked to find that I have FOUR...Then I drop in that I homeschool them-jaws drop-and, oh, yeah, "I am a single mom"...;) (my tips are pretty good;) LOL!) I find it rather interesting; People have such pre-conceived notions of women with several children, or homeschoolers, and of single moms...And I guess I am not fitting into any of those stereotypes;) I have always honored my need to be different and out of the box, and this works quite well for me;)
Everyone wants to know HOW I do it, and the answer is not a hard one to give-One, I just DO-it's like a Nike commercial;), and Two, I have great people in my life who believe that I am super woman and support me 100%. I don't have people "raising" my kids. I have seen many single parent situations where that has happened. My kids spend less then 10 hours a week with a sitter, at which time they are with my brother's family. I survive on divorce settlement savings, part time earnings budgetted well, and, of course, child support. I have no retirement plan, I have no long range personal plan, I simply live each day to raise my kids the way I intended, and that is my priority. I strongly believe that my decision is a good one, and one that I will continue to find Blessing in, in the future. This is my way of providing my kids with the BEST private education they can get, tailored to their own needs. I strongly believe this is the best way to raise my children to be the free thinking individuals they are meant to be. One does not have to live within a box, but be free to explore the ideas and boundries that exist in the "whole" world. My kids are welcome to embrace that ideal and have opinion and expression. It's not always easy for me to take, but it's their truth they need to find, not mine. For this, I dedicate myself to our homeschool life.
We don't live fancy, we budget our money and our time. My daughter (12) is a fashion freak inspired by the eighties, and she LOVES to shop at thrift stores and clearance sales;) She earns and spends her own money. My sons get stuff from cousins, friends with older kids. They love the "worn" look, so I rarely have to buy them clothes. I LOVE Target:) We don't NEED air conditioning to survive, or even much heat-got that from my dad (who never had a heating bill more then 45 dollars!). We don't do movies, but wait for Redbox DVDs, eat out at my work at a discount, and use coupons. I don't pay full price for ANYTHING! I only work enough to make our budget and get some into savings each month, and I have no credit cards. I also have no car payment and keep up maintenance on a 99 van. My kids don't purchase video games, though we have one that was given to us. They don't "get" the need for labels on their clothes. My daughter DOES have an iPod, which her dad and I got her for Christmas. They are level headed kids who don't ask for much at all;)
I teach my kids during the week, working a few nights a week while they stay with family. They go with "dad" for two weekends and other times during the month and I work then as well. On weekends, we are sometimes involved in soccer, and we are very involved in our UU church.
People think this is crazy and that I must be losing it. We are ok. I am great, actually. Granted, having some savings in the bank provides a great relief for me, but it's not that much. I never "had" a life of "things", so I don't feel deprived of anything-I did GREATLY in my marriage though. I sleep in sometimes, and stay up late, after the kids go to bed, writing, talking to friends on the phone, reading...I have friends everywhere that back me up, make me laugh, and love my kids. I take off two weekends a month, while the kids are away, and do something for myself, visit friends, travel, go out to eat. I think I have a pretty ok life;)
It's been a year-We are doing fine;)

"The Wind!! The Wind!!"

Today we starting building a weather station for our weather unit. Our first experiment was to make a weather vane out of straws, rubber bands, a pencil, a nail, and a piece of card stock. The boys put it together and took it out into the backyard as I looked on, camera in hand, doubting the experiment as the cards blew off and the winter wind whipped around the kids. The weather today is cloudy, very windy, and getting colder by the minute...

They set the weather vane up on the picnic table and waited for the wind as I tested the compass with my own directional knowledge. Soon the wind whipped through, the vane shook, spun a few times, and pointed to the direction of northwest....! The boys were excited to check in with the Weather Channel for the actual forecast proof....AND, it WORKED!!! The winds today are north/northwesterly at 11 miles an hour! We added the data to our weather charts along with the temperature and rainfall and diagrammed our findings in our science notebooks. Julian said it was "fun stuff school":)

Perhaps we should inform the Weather Channel that all they really need to study the weather are straws and rubber bands...:)

Order Returns

A strangely quiet morning here at the house. Almost frighteningly so;)
Everyone was away for the weekend, and I was on my own, doing what I do when I am merely "single Sami" instead of "MOM!". All the kids came home Sunday evening exhausted and somewhat ill-just colds. They all slept later then we planned, but got things done and got into their schoolwork without my guidance. Yes, REALLY!
After a year of being "off" of what was a lifelong daily routine for my children, we are now attempting to "get back to normal", whatever "normal" is, for a single parented homeschooling family of 5. We are settled enough in our new home-after five moves in the last year. The kids LOVE LOVE LOVE the neighborhood, which is full of kids and bikes and skateboards...:) My front yard is always full of kids, little boys on bicycles with raven's jackets on, pre-teen girls perched on the backyard picnic tables...My kids are happier then I have ever seen them. My homeschooled daughter is trying hard to put together her list for her birthday party-she has to keep it to 20 kids. Thankfully I don't have to pay for the "non swimmers" as her list also includes adults, older teens, and preschoolers:) I love this concept of Homeschoolers being unsocialized....LOL
So, back to the structure of things...I came down like a giant hammer on our lives last week. Schedules, chore lists, bedtimes, expectations, all came to light. There was serious resistance, of course, but by Wednesday things were looking better...And apparently, by the calmness of this morning, the reality of "Sami's Domain" has sunk into their heads...Public school is out for MLK day, so there is an incentive right outside the schoolroom window:) It's seventy degrees here, BTW....
It feels so good to be back blogging...It's been a long while...:) Things are SOOO much better...
Sami

Reality Bites...???

My days are getting wilder and wilder. As I move away from the six months of pain, planning, and receiving help, I move into the "new" life I have talked about having for those months...
My pain is gone, yet I am still under Dr Dorai's orders concerning work and lifting and so on. My bank account is gone, and it is beyond time to start looking for income sources. I spent much of tonight doing just that, along with setting up a new client's web account and sorting through some rather serious issues within my Homeschool Community. As I sent out emails to friends that can assist and offer leads to money making possibilities, and sorted through remarks and ideas from my fellow co-op members, I realized that this is truly my time to shine. I am truly on a path unpaved, as I keep pointing out. There simply ARE no books or websites about "how to be a single homeschooling income earning business running mom of four". For the sake of others, I hope there isn't much need for one:) I will surely start one if I think that there are more like me:)
My prospects paid off, I have a new web client, and I have some office work lined up to begin in the morning. I have no idea how that will work out, there is underlying "stuff" with the person who offered it up.
I have realized that I am capable of doing ANYTHING I set out to do, if I am patient and diligent. I view this as a quest. I am on a DAMN QUEST! I cannot fail, or give up. After the homeschool community I created four years ago, which has dragged my through more trials and mud then anyone could ever imagine, I realize that I am persistent and enduring, if nothing else. I also realized that I cannot ever say I can't do something...WON'T do something, sure, but never CAN'T!
People have told me that I am a source of inspiration. I don't know where that comes from. Certainly NOT my parents. I am made up of things that have no foundation from my upbringing, it all seems to come, truly, from ME. As I consider myself "spiritual" and not of basic religion, I cannot place the source of power and upward movement with something bigger then myself. It draws from ME. Somewhere deep within ME. Perhaps I shifted a lack of self esteem into a straight all out DRIVE to simply BE!!!!! BE Alive, BE full of energy, BE what I can BE, BE for all, BE for my kids, BE!!! Blessed Blessed "BE":)
I start office work in the AM, and should go to bed and wake up early with a fresh mind. We also have seven doctors appointments this week, including one with my Neurosurgeon. I also need to go to court for final divorce stuff. Yuck...Nuff said...
This week basically starts the beginning of my "new life" as I start to work, support myself, and gather what I need to run both my web business and my currently restructuring Homeschool Group. I have a large sum of money coming to me soon, from the surplus of our foreclosed upon house. That will bring about many changes, like moving-again-and starting back to college...Oh yes, this life has barely begin:)
I guess sleep is a requirement for all this, huh?
I am off!
BE, all you are meant to BE,
Sami